... this is my first ever blog, I thought I might give it a go as an outlet for the thoughts that overcrowd my mind. I suppose really this should carry a warning that it may not be either linear or sensible but hey we shall see....
Anyway today my thoughts have been preoccupied how much my life has changed in just over a year...the things I have experienced, especially in the last 8 months, I never expected or dreamed could happen.
For example I never dreamed that age 33 I could technically be called a battered woman, a victim of domestic violence, someone who has been threatened with death, and honestly thought she was going to die at the hands of someone who professed to love her. My god it sounds so dramatic written down but it is true, 4 months ago, after months of mental abuse and some minor physical incidents my (now ex) partner attacked me in our home.
I can't actually bring myself to write down all the details of what happened, suffice to say that he has since been convicted of threat to kill, threats to kill, ABH and assault with beating. His sentence was negligible, passed by a court system that cares more for saving money than for representing the victims of crime.
Even now I struggle to understand what really happened, how things got so bad so quickly...but then I think was it really that fast? There were signs before, odd things he would do, strange threats of violence if I did something he didn't like and not to mention his systematic dismantling of me as a person in my own right. I spent so long trying to fit myself around him that I lost me. He was scornful of my education, my thoughts, so I stopped thinking, stopped learning, stopped being interested in the world. I was in a cage and I couldn't even see it.
I have seen domestic violence before, it happened to someone very close to me, I have seen how it destroys you, leaves you with unseen scars even when bruises fade away and I always thought I would never ever put up with being treated that way.
So the first time he put his hands on me I left, right? Wrong, I told myself it was my fault, I wouldn't let the argument go, I pushed him into it, and he didn't hit me anyway, he just grabbed me, shook me hard, threw me on the bed and banged my head against the headboard, that's not a beating is it? I mean sure I had fingermarks on my arms for a week and a bruise on the back of my head, but he didn't hit me and I had asked for it (that's what he told me). And anyway he loves me, that's what he says, I just have to not argue, not shout, not be offended by his behaviour. Sound familiar? It's the tired and tested (ir)rationalisation of domestic violence that so many women get trapped by...the whole argument that I did this so therefore I asked for it...it's wrong, no-one deserves to be hurt no matter the provocation. I mean how can a man who is twice my size be justified in throwing me into a headboard because I was angry and shouted and told him to stop being so ridiculous? He wasn't, never was, and never will be...
I was told recently that it takes an average of 100 attacks before a woman will leave an abusive partner, my tally was nowhere near that, maybe 5 in total, but the final attack did involve a knife, strangulation and an attempt to smother me with a pillow. It was fairly extreme(!) and as I say I REALLY did think I was going die, but even then it took me 8 hours to ask for help after the attack. I didn't know which end was up, I couldn't even get out of bed. To my shame I couldn't even call the police myself, I should have done that, but I was so weak, so scared, so hurt. He had damaged me so badly mentally in the weeks building up to the attack (with threats of suicide amongst other things) that even after all that I was still frightened for him. How fucked up is that??
That's the thing about abusers, they have to have control of the person they abuse. He had complete control of me, I was spending whole days crying and terrified in the days and weeks leading up to the attack. I can see it now looking back, how his behaviour was manipulative and cruel, but at the time I was so spun about that I think I thought it was all my fault, that he was suffering and I should be able to fix it but I couldn't...But do you know what he was acting, it was all bullshit, he was never going to kill himself, it was all for attention.
What his actual motive for hurting me in the way he did I will never know, I will never speak to or see him again...but knowing things that I do now about I doubt there was one, or not a fully formed one...I was closest to him, I was under his control, it was easy....
I'd like to be able to say I bear no ill will against my ex but that would be a lie, once the initial shock of the attack subsided the realisation dawned that what he did was despicable and unforgivable and he has shown no remorse for his crimes since. Would I like to see him suffer? Yes, I would like him to be made to feel how he made me feel, to know how it is to be so afraid, to think you are going to die, to know that absolute betrayal, but he never will so there is no point in dwelling on it.
....so what of me now, today? I have been to hell this year but I have come back stronger, the cage I was living in has been broken open and I have a new a bright horizon to move toward. I am free to be me again. I feel like I have woken up, that I am seeing the world afresh and it feels so good.
I do have my dark days, times when I feel intense anger or cripplingly down but that is to be expected I guess. The trauma I suffered will stay with me forever, it will heal but I will never forget and nor should I, because only by remembering can I be sure that I never allow myself to be hurt again in that way.
I do have some special people in my life that have helped me through the dark times, that I wouldn't have made it through without. In that way I am so very fortunate as there are many women out there who are so isolated by their abusers that they have no-one to call. That awful day I called my friends and they came, they packed my things and helped me dress and made sure I got to my Dad's, where he called the police and kept me safe.
As an addendum to this there is one person in particular who realised before anyone else that I was suffering and who was always there, if only just to say "hey", even as his own life was spiralling. That person is now in my life, and I in his, in a way neither of us foresaw. He has shown me that I am worth so much more than I thought I was, that I am smart and funny and pretty and that the world is just waiting for me. To him I say thank-you and that I look forward to the future xx
So there you have it, first blog done, I will be writing more, it feels quite cathartic putting this out into the world. It's not something that should be hidden, there should be no shame for the victims of domestic abuse, it is the abusers who should feel that.
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