Me, knicker addiction and being sad

It occurred to me that I hadn't written anything for a little bit, so...

If you read my other blogs you know I've had a fairly shit year to put it mildly, but what of the real me, the one behind the veneer of trauma?

Well, let's see, I'm short, apparently cute, I have dyed red hair, I'm smart, I love scifi and books and films and..... I am addicted to buying knickers.

Seriously I have like 150 pairs I think! It's a compulsion, I see knickers with cute designs on and I have to buy them. I have an especial weakness for Floozie by FrostFrench undies, they tend to have the cutest designs, I have pants by them with designs on ranging from unicorns to strawberries to ladybirds, with frills, without, cotton, nylon and silk. I have some with matching bras, some without.

So why the knicker obsession? Well it started as a reaction to a comment by my ex-in laws (not from the recent ex, the one before) that I had a lot of underwear. To be honest at the time I really didn't I just had more than their idea of one pair per day of the week. I was also pretty ill at the time so having extras meant I didn't have to do laundry every 5 minutes!

Somewhere in my brain though, this comment stuck and for some reason caused me to go in the opposite direction to what I believe they were suggesting (that I be a good girl and have only 7 pairs of pants!). And thus my knicker obsession began. It is really becoming a bit of a problem, when I moved recently I actually had a full bin bag full of underwear!

So why am I telling you this? Well it just occurred to me really and I wanted to share something about myself that wasn't gloomy :)

That said this wouldn't be my blog without a touch of sadness....

I do sometimes feel so unutterably sad, like everything is bleak and flat and broken. Going on what has happened to me over the years this is probably not surprising but I have had these stages for as long as I can remember so it's not just about the trauma.

The sadness can hit at anytime, I mean the past two evenings/nights I have been beyond miserable and this is even in the sure knowledge that my future is bright, that I am moving to a new city and that I am wanted and cared for in a way I have never experienced before.

Why do I get these bouts and why do I behave like a total cow when I AM sad? It's almost to the "toys out of the pram" stage at times and there is no apparent immediate reason.

It's like something warm and alive in me switches off and the creeping cold of sadness starts to take over with that awful voice telling me that I shouldn't be optimistic, that I don't deserve to be happy....I mean for fuck's sake why does my brain tell me that?? I know I am not a naturally optimistic person but I try to be and succeed most of the time but the evil me is always waiting to start whispering badness in my ear :(

I think some of it has to do with the fact that I have not felt able to express how I really feel for so long, even now I do struggle to let the feelings out. I have internalised my feelings for years, swallowed so much pain and despair that should have been released and acknowledged that it has almost become personified as an evil side. And that evil side while mainly repressed finds its way out in sadness and stupid over-reactions to totally normal situations.

But I am trying to let the feelings out now, to talk about how I really feel about everything both good and bad, big and small. It helps so much but it's something I really am having to learn to do and it's really hard :( The one big difference now though is that I am being listened to and asked about how I feel which is both wonderful, weird and a little bit scary all at once but so very much appreciated :) x

Pants and misery, always a likely combination eh? For now that's it, tired and cold, need to at least try and sleep.

Abbi